Senin, 13 Juni 2011

June 2, 2000
What does that day, month and year mean to you? President Bill Clinton used that particular day to declare ”Gay and Lesbian Pride Month”. Nine years later, on June 1st, President Barack Obama spoke to incorporate an even wider group. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered citizens alike could all have this month for recognition, respect and appreciation. However, I am aware that not all minds meet equally about the rights and respect that we should pay to others. As each generation leaves their footprints, and paves the way for what is to come…to some, change is an impossible idea or action to put in motion.
You know what? Often, this unfortunate reality is because of learned behavior! As much as we may often preach that we like to speak for ourselves, or outside the box, how many times have you caught yourself, or someone you know repeating the thoughts of another before them? Sometimes without proper information? And how many times have you felt that perhaps further knowledge on an issue or subject matter might result in a different voice, a different understanding? Perhaps even going against the ideas they’ve learned, heard, or grown up around? We have the ability to fly planes, send astronauts into space, develop technology such as cellphones! Things that once were unfathomable. I can sit at this small computer and type this message. Once I push send, this message can be seen by anyone who’d like to engage, all across the WORLD. 
As many of you know, we (the Glee cast) have been storming the country at whirlwind speeds to put on a forty-two show, month-long tour. It has been a constant reminder of why we do this. We’ve witnessed the impact our show has had, from the very beginning, to these moments, three years later. You LOVELY & AMAZING fans! Just indescribable. The love, affirmation, and dedication you provide! We see it all, value it all. Trust me, we do! On stage, the excitement that we absorb from your ball of energy brings our adrenaline levels to highs that often-times, we aren’t sure we can reach. Bottom line, we love you guys. And our crew! Without this diverse group of hard-working people, this venture would be impossible. 
Yesterday was June 11th, and we were tackling our newest location, Toronto! We had finished our first concert of the day, and I was about to take a moment to relax before the second. On the way to our dressing rooms, I passed a stack of shirts lined up on the merchandise tables. The white T’s were modeled after shirts we wore in a performance set to Lady Gaga’s, “Born This Way.” In case you are not familiar here are the lyrics:
[Verse:]My mama told me when I was youngWe are all born superstarsShe rolled my hair and put my lipstick onIn the glass of her boudoir“There’s nothing wrong with loving who you are”She said, “‘Cause he made you perfect, babe”“So hold your head up girl and you’ll go far,Listen to me when I say”[Chorus:]I’m beautiful in my way‘Cause God makes no mistakesI’m on the right track, babyI was born this wayDon’t hide yourself in regretJust love yourself and you’re setI’m on the right track, babyI was born this way
Beautiful. True. Words to remind yourself, words to live by. Doesn’t matter if you’re not a Gaga supporter, or one of her “Little Monsters” as she lovingly refers to her fans. Kindness moves mountains. Acceptance opens doors, makes room for change, diffuses misunderstanding. Every day, people commit hate crimes because of misunderstandings. Hate effects the target, and consumes the person behind the gun. It is crazy to realize that we have been in war for almost our entire existence on this planet. Many times for reasons of greed and hate. 
Anyone that has experienced the death or abuse of a loved one can tell you that, “IT HURTS BEYOND EXPLANATION!!! AND WE SHOULD DO EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO MAKE ANY CHANGE POSSIBLE.” Raise your hand if you’ve spent nights crying yourself to sleep, raise your hand if you’ve felt as if you’d rather hide in bed all day than face the people that make you feel small or powerless! Raise your hand if you’ve felt as if you’d rather lie to people than tell them the truth about who you really are, because at least you wouldn’t be the victim of hateful behavior or prejudice! And raise your hand if lying feels almost as bad. 
I was not raised in a family that accepted prejudice or hatred. For that, I thank my Mom and Dad each and every day. Look, we are human, we make mistakes. I will gladly shout from the rooftops that I AM NOT PERFECT. Nor will I ever be. But I can happily say that to my knowledge, I do not ever intentionally cause people pain. I love my family, my friends, my co-workers…and they all consist of girls AND boys. I do tell them that I love them. Yesterday, during our second show,  Instead of wearing my usual shirt during “Born This Way” I decided to wear one that said “Likes Girls”. It should actually have read, “Loves Girls”, because I do. The women in my life give me things that the men in my life can’t. And vice-versa. No, I am not a lesbian, yet if I were, I hope that the people in my life could embrace it whole-heartedly. And let me tell you, I can easily spill (quite comfortably) what I admire, respect and think is beautiful about any of the women in my life. Piece of cake! 
Last night, I wanted to do something  to show my respect and love for the GLBT community. Support that people could actually see. Which is why I decided to change my shirt for the show. I happened to read a few comments that were posted on twitter. Many of you asked, “why?” This is my response. I am not asking for you to agree with what I am saying, but if you are listening, thank you. That is all I can ask. And a step further would be to take a moment to (honestly) answer the questions that I have raised. We can’t always put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. But we can try.
I am lucky to live in a place where I can wear almost anything that I want to express myself, and that jail is not a probable consequence. Which makes me feel as if I should exercise my right to do so every now and then. Think of the people that have died because of their passion and heartfelt hopes of change? So many good men and women. All because of an inherent wish for tolerance, love and support. 
Our show celebrates the GLBT community. We are proud to be a part of something that embraces an often avoided topic. Hate is terrible, especially when we pass it down to a new generation of innocents. Recently, I heard a lament about San Francisco. How SFO just didn’t sound like a fun place to be, or visit, because that person wasn’t gay. Wait, really???? I wanted to laugh! But that would have been a response that wouldn’t have encouraged that person to be open-minded. To see that perhaps, their statement was foolish? Why won’t San Francisco be fun for you? Do you think the whole city is gay? Do you think they will judge you? Won’t feed you good food?  Perhaps they won’t let you have fun, the way THEY have fun? 
Sadly, we’ve gotten letters from people who explain that they love the show but hate the gay story-lines. That we shouldn’t be polluting their children’s heads. To this I’d sometimes like to sarcastically reply, would you also like us to tell them that a stork is dropping off our offspring? That the sky is purple? That it is not practical to be true to yourself, because there are mean people in this world that will make them feel wrong for being honest? That instead of embracing themselves, they should lie to the world? THEY should be the ones being untrue and unhappy? 
I believe that if you are bringing a child into the world, you should be willing to accept them in any reality. Whether they are Black, White, Asian, have four fingers, are disabled, gay….that the only wish should be for a happy and healthy baby. We are each other’s children. Unless someone has committed a violent or hateful act, why should we judge? We can so quickly resort to anger, often, the product of a whole other issue. Most often, an issue with our own self. 
I understand that I am sitting behind the protection of this computer screen, in this hotel room, and to many I might sound “preachy”. Especially now that I have written an essay. I hope my intentions sound pure, and just. I speak, because I am passionate. I write with this passion because I know how it feels to be hurt, to be depressed, to not value yourself, or your feelings. If any of this has inspired or moved you, even just made you think….I encourage you to tweet or reblog a picture, quote, anything that you feel will continue to spread the love. And if any are interested in tracking the chain, perhaps visualizing the greater collective, include the hatch tag, #letlovein.

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives. - C.S. Lewis 
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu 
Fortune and love favor the brave. - Ovid
AND remember that sometimes….
People need loving the most when they deserve it the least. - John Harrigan
To thine own heart be true. Many thanks for your time, your love, and the gift you’ve given me.
Sincerely,
Dianna Elise Agron
June 2, 2000
What does that day, month and year mean to you? President Bill Clinton used that particular day to declare ”Gay and Lesbian Pride Month”. Nine years later, on June 1st, President Barack Obama spoke to incorporate an even wider group. Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered citizens alike could all have this month for recognition, respect and appreciation. However, I am aware that not all minds meet equally about the rights and respect that we should pay to others. As each generation leaves their footprints, and paves the way for what is to come…to some, change is an impossible idea or action to put in motion.
You know what? Often, this unfortunate reality is because of learned behavior! As much as we may often preach that we like to speak for ourselves, or outside the box, how many times have you caught yourself, or someone you know repeating the thoughts of another before them? Sometimes without proper information? And how many times have you felt that perhaps further knowledge on an issue or subject matter might result in a different voice, a different understanding? Perhaps even going against the ideas they’ve learned, heard, or grown up around? We have the ability to fly planes, send astronauts into space, develop technology such as cellphones! Things that once were unfathomable. I can sit at this small computer and type this message. Once I push send, this message can be seen by anyone who’d like to engage, all across the WORLD. 
As many of you know, we (the Glee cast) have been storming the country at whirlwind speeds to put on a forty-two show, month-long tour. It has been a constant reminder of why we do this. We’ve witnessed the impact our show has had, from the very beginning, to these moments, three years later. You LOVELY & AMAZING fans! Just indescribable. The love, affirmation, and dedication you provide! We see it all, value it all. Trust me, we do! On stage, the excitement that we absorb from your ball of energy brings our adrenaline levels to highs that often-times, we aren’t sure we can reach. Bottom line, we love you guys. And our crew! Without this diverse group of hard-working people, this venture would be impossible. 
Yesterday was June 11th, and we were tackling our newest location, Toronto! We had finished our first concert of the day, and I was about to take a moment to relax before the second. On the way to our dressing rooms, I passed a stack of shirts lined up on the merchandise tables. The white T’s were modeled after shirts we wore in a performance set to Lady Gaga’s, “Born This Way.” In case you are not familiar here are the lyrics:
[Verse:]
My mama told me when I was youngWe are all born superstars

She rolled my hair and put my lipstick onIn the glass of her boudoir“There’s nothing wrong with loving who you are”She said, “‘Cause he made you perfect, babe”“So hold your head up girl and you’ll go far,Listen to me when I say”[Chorus:]I’m beautiful in my way‘Cause God makes no mistakesI’m on the right track, babyI was born this wayDon’t hide yourself in regretJust love yourself and you’re setI’m on the right track, babyI was born this way
Beautiful. True. Words to remind yourself, words to live by. Doesn’t matter if you’re not a Gaga supporter, or one of her “Little Monsters” as she lovingly refers to her fans. Kindness moves mountains. Acceptance opens doors, makes room for change, diffuses misunderstanding. Every day, people commit hate crimes because of misunderstandings. Hate effects the target, and consumes the person behind the gun. It is crazy to realize that we have been in war for almost our entire existence on this planet. Many times for reasons of greed and hate.
Anyone that has experienced the death or abuse of a loved one can tell you that, “IT HURTS BEYOND EXPLANATION!!! AND WE SHOULD DO EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO MAKE ANY CHANGE POSSIBLE.” Raise your hand if you’ve spent nights crying yourself to sleep, raise your hand if you’ve felt as if you’d rather hide in bed all day than face the people that make you feel small or powerless! Raise your hand if you’ve felt as if you’d rather lie to people than tell them the truth about who you really are, because at least you wouldn’t be the victim of hateful behavior or prejudice! And raise your hand if lying feels almost as bad. 
I was not raised in a family that accepted prejudice or hatred. For that, I thank my Mom and Dad each and every day. Look, we are human, we make mistakes. I will gladly shout from the rooftops that I AM NOT PERFECT. Nor will I ever be. But I can happily say that to my knowledge, I do not ever intentionally cause people pain. I love my family, my friends, my co-workers…and they all consist of girls AND boys. I do tell them that I love them. Yesterday, during our second show,  Instead of wearing my usual shirt during “Born This Way” I decided to wear one that said “Likes Girls”. It should actually have read, “Loves Girls”, because I do. The women in my life give me things that the men in my life can’t. And vice-versa. No, I am not a lesbian, yet if I were, I hope that the people in my life could embrace it whole-heartedly. And let me tell you, I can easily spill (quite comfortably) what I admire, respect and think is beautiful about any of the women in my life. Piece of cake! 
Last night, I wanted to do something  to show my respect and love for the GLBT community. Support that people could actually see. Which is why I decided to change my shirt for the show. I happened to read a few comments that were posted on twitter. Many of you asked, “why?” This is my response. I am not asking for you to agree with what I am saying, but if you are listening, thank you. That is all I can ask. And a step further would be to take a moment to (honestly) answer the questions that I have raised. We can’t always put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. But we can try.
I am lucky to live in a place where I can wear almost anything that I want to express myself, and that jail is not a probable consequence. Which makes me feel as if I should exercise my right to do so every now and then. Think of the people that have died because of their passion and heartfelt hopes of change? So many good men and women. All because of an inherent wish for tolerance, love and support. 
Our show celebrates the GLBT community. We are proud to be a part of something that embraces an often avoided topic. Hate is terrible, especially when we pass it down to a new generation of innocents. Recently, I heard a lament about San Francisco. How SFO just didn’t sound like a fun place to be, or visit, because that person wasn’t gay. Wait, really???? I wanted to laugh! But that would have been a response that wouldn’t have encouraged that person to be open-minded. To see that perhaps, their statement was foolish? Why won’t San Francisco be fun for you? Do you think the whole city is gay? Do you think they will judge you? Won’t feed you good food?  Perhaps they won’t let you have fun, the way THEY have fun? 
Sadly, we’ve gotten letters from people who explain that they love the show but hate the gay story-lines. That we shouldn’t be polluting their children’s heads. To this I’d sometimes like to sarcastically reply, would you also like us to tell them that a stork is dropping off our offspring? That the sky is purple? That it is not practical to be true to yourself, because there are mean people in this world that will make them feel wrong for being honest? That instead of embracing themselves, they should lie to the world? THEY should be the ones being untrue and unhappy? 
I believe that if you are bringing a child into the world, you should be willing to accept them in any reality. Whether they are Black, White, Asian, have four fingers, are disabled, gay….that the only wish should be for a happy and healthy baby. We are each other’s children. Unless someone has committed a violent or hateful act, why should we judge? We can so quickly resort to anger, often, the product of a whole other issue. Most often, an issue with our own self.
I understand that I am sitting behind the protection of this computer screen, in this hotel room, and to many I might sound “preachy”. Especially now that I have written an essay. I hope my intentions sound pure, and just. I speak, because I am passionate. I write with this passion because I know how it feels to be hurt, to be depressed, to not value yourself, or your feelings. If any of this has inspired or moved you, even just made you think….I encourage you to tweet or reblog a picture, quote, anything that you feel will continue to spread the love. And if any are interested in tracking the chain, perhaps visualizing the greater collective, include the hatch tag, #letlovein.
Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives. - C.S. Lewis

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu

Fortune and love favor the brave. - Ovid
AND remember that sometimes….
People need loving the most when they deserve it the least. - John Harrigan
To thine own heart be true. Many thanks for your time, your love, and the gift you’ve given me.
Sincerely,
Dianna Elise Agron

------
I was raising my hand when Dianna said "If you’ve felt as if you’d rather lie to people than tell them the truth about who you really are, because at least you wouldn’t be the victim of hateful behavior or prejudice." That's very touching me. Instead, you have to deal with yourself, love yourself as really are and think that God made this body and soul fit on you, doesn't like anybody else, one and the only me, no matter what happen. Two thumbs up for Dianna :)

Sabtu, 11 Juni 2011

Que sera sera

Yeah, ngga kerasa udah akhir semester. Itu berarti waktuku untuk memutuskan semakin sedikit :P
Well, aku udah memutuskan dari kemarin-kemarin sih, tapi tetap aja aku butuh dukungan dari ortu. Sejujurnya aku nervous juga karena ini akan menyangkut ke banyak pihak, aku ngga hanya mendapatkan pendapat negatif dari teman-temanku, tapi juga dari saudaraku (extended-fam ya, keluarga yg ngga begitu deket, kalau keluarga deket mah santai2 aja), dan lingkunganku sekitarku. Aku kemaren sempet pengen ke psikolog untuk konsultasi, tapi ku batalin karena ternyata 2 dari 3 psikolog yang praktek di GMC adalah dosen yang aku kenal cukup baik. Dan aku ngga mau terjadi transferens (plus aku masih ketergantungan nilai dengan 2 dosen itu). Inilah susahnya jadi anak psikologi yang pengen konsultasi ke psikolog: jatuh-jatuhnya ya dosennya juga :P

Sampai sekarang, kayak Titis, Dwi, dan Praja masih mempertanyakan sikapku sih, kenapa aku mau kayak gitu. Sejujurnya aku bingung juga gimana mau ngejelasinnya. Tapi bagiku ini merupakan salah satu bentuk pencarian jati diri, yang walaupun susah harus tetap dihadapi kan?

Aku ngga bilang aku udah 100% yakin seperti yang Intan kira. Belum kok. Masih banyak ketakutan-ketakutan yang ngga tersampaikan dan mendiami otakku selama hampir 2 tahun ini. Satu hal yang aku sesali adalah bahwa aku kebanyakan mikir dan ngga melakukannya dari dulu-dulu, waktu belum banyak orang yang kenal aku. Well, I can't go back and undo this kan?

Lama-lama aku juga capek karena banyak hal yang ngga bisa sepenuhnya aku nikmati cuma gara-gara ini. Ya seperti yang aku bilang ke Dwi, ini mengubah semua tentang konsep diriku, mengobrak-abrik semua tentang aku sampai ke dasar-dasarnya dan itu sama sekali ngga nyaman. Mungkin aku sama dengan Kiky tentang hal ini (dan dia nanya dengan blak-blakan soal ini) dan aku mengiyakan pendapatnya bahwa 'semakin dewasa kita semakin kritis'.

Aku udah daftar jadi panitia PRK. Aku ngga tau bakalan diterima atau ngga. Yang jelas aku berpikir sekarang aja, apa yang kuhadapi sekarang dan bakal kujalani dengan sungguh-sungguh. Termasuk masalah UAS minggu depan. Aku masih harus memperjuangkan nilaiku untuk bisa cumlaude lagi semester ini. Setinggi-tingginya. Sebab, kalau semester depan aku bakalan melakukannya, aku ngga yakin nilaiku bakalan cumlaude kayak semester yang lalu berhubung semester depan aku banyak ngambil dosen-dosen yg menuntut keaktifan (dan aku harus bisa settle dan mengembalikan kepercayaan diriku dulu kan baru bisa aktif lagi kayak biasanya? :)). Ini berarti, kalau jadi, akhir-akhir ini bakalan jadi akhir dari comfort zone ku yang udah kubangun selama 2 tahun. Mulai lagi dari awal. Lebih berat.

Akhir kata, ya sudahlah. Aku ngga tau rencana-Nya bakalan seperti apa. Aku ikut aja. Aku berusaha buat meraih mimpi-mimpiku selanjutnya dan bisa menjadi diriku sendiri, itu yang terpenting. Pada akhirnya aku yakin aku bakalan menemukan jalan yang terbaik, yang paling pas menurutku, setelah melewati banyak rintangan. Bukanlah habis hujan dan mendung matahari bakalan muncul dan menyinari? Aku harap begitu. Nanti akhirnya bakalan kayak gimana, ya aku ngga tau. Let it flow aja. Que sera sera :)

Sabtu, 04 Juni 2011

Get It Right, Something That I Feel Right Now :(

What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send down a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight


Get It Right
Lea Michele on Glee 'Original Song'

Cognitive Dissonance

“If you feel uncomfortable with yourself, you won’t feel comfortable too around another people.”
Fara’s personal mind.

There’s nothing wrong with the society. I live in someplace that another people always want to know what we did. That’s called culture, my sociology teacher said. Culture that mostly Indonesians did. But if you feel uncomfy about yourself, it might be annoying. To join the club, we should have something that is principal so we can do acculturation and assimilation without too deep follow the mainstream. In my side now,  I haven’t princip and I feel uncomfy about myself, so it not gonna be work. Join the club or organization is the purpose to make some self-actualization, to see that we can do better and better, we can learn from the organizational’ dynamic and the people around there. In my case, how can I make self-actualization if, Maslow said, my safety need aren’t fullfilled? That’s the hierarchy and if we don’t fulfilling our basic, we not be able to pass the higher level.
My academic counselor said that we can’t do Freud’s theory about self-defence mechanism for a long time. I did it, repressing my negative emotion into unconscious area. And it makes lotsa fatigue. Is it my fault if I act antisocial, apatis, hypocrite, pathetic, and egoist? That’s such of my natural defence because I want to hide some painful memories. Ah, rationalization.
I should saw my problem from humanistic theory. Or behavior? Cognitive behavior? I am not such a rat who they can predict my behavior; if they gave me feed after I push the button, I’ll repeat it. Hey man, I’m not that stupid! So, what perspective can explain my problem when there are bullshit? None. OK, I know I’m stupid for that theory. I know nothing.
So then, what can I do for this-suck-cognitive-dissonance?

Offline, 7-5-2011, 22:14

....'Cause it's made me do a lot of thinking. What I've realized is why I'm such a bitch all the time. I'm a bitch because I'm angry. I'm angry because I have all of these feelings. Feelings for you, that I'm afraid of dealing with, because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences.... I'm afraid of the talks, and the looks.... I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back...
Santana’s dialogue on Glee Season 2 ‘Sexy’

Minggu, 01 Mei 2011

#labil

Aku tak tau apa arti adil.
Aku tak tau apa arti kesempurnaan.
Berurai air mata.
Untuk apa?
Iri?
Cemburu?
Lagi-lagi, aku tak tahu.

Sabtu, 30 April 2011

Kecewa

Tadi aku di’ramal’ pake tarot salah satu temenku yang bernama Banyu. Hasilnya sih, hahaha, sama. Sebenernya ngga diramal juga sih, hanya pengungkapan hal-hal yang aku sembunyikan secara sadar dan ‘beberapa’ hal-hal yang aku repress dan ngga kusadari. Dia ngomong secara tepat tentang masalahku, bahwa itu berat untukku dan udah terjadi dalam waktu lama dan aku ngga bisa ngungkapin sehingga ku repress dan dia juga bilang dalam waktu dekat aku bakal berubah banyak. Hahaha, aku sendiri malah ngga tau mau berubah ke arah mana. Ada dua kutub yang berbeda yang sama kuatnya menarikku ke kedua sisi tersebut. Banyu bilang, ada yang harus dikorbankan dalam perubahanku itu. Memang, dan dia ngomongnya dengan sangat lancar dan tepat padahal kita ngga deket dan dia tahu aku sebatas, yah, teman aja (begitupun aku ke dia). Penyelesaiannya, masih kata dia, aku harus merefleksikan hal itu ke dalam diriku sendiri terlepas dari kedua kutub tersebut. Berusaha (lagi) untuk jujur kepada diri sendiri tanpa intervensi dari luar. Walaupun sebenernya, intervensi (atau lebih tepat disebut dukungan) dari luarlah yang terpenting buatku saat ini, hehe.

Yang buat aku terdiam cukup lama bukan itu. Ada hal kedua. Dia bilang aku kecewa sama seseorang yang memiliki dominasi yang besar dalam hidupku. Dia juga nyebut jenis kelaminnya yang buat Dwi (saat itu disebelahku) senyum-senyum (karena dia tau siapa). Banyu juga bilang, hal ini belum lama terjadi. Aku diam karena baru sadar, ‘Oh, jadi ini yang namanya kecewa?’ Aku merasakan hal ini tanpa tau apa namanya, tanpa mengerti kenapa aku jadi kacau dalam banyak hal akhir-akhir ini. Tanpa ngerti kenapa aku jadi memberontak di semua aspek hidupku, termasuk hal akademik (yang menyebabkan nilai UTS ku anjlok setengah idup). Tanpa ngerti kenapa aku tiba-tiba jadi apatis, egois, labil, antisosial, malas ngapa-ngapain bahkan mengerjakan tugas kelompok (yang ‘bukan aku banget’), bolos kelas dan kalo masuk pun ngga memperhatikan sama sekali, ngga aktif di kelas, tiba-tiba disleksia kalo lagi nulis analisis (dan dengan tata bahasa yang super kacau seakan nulis essay tanpa konsep), ngga kritis, ngga semangat, dan perasaan negatif lainnya (dan aku bingung kenapa aku jadi kaya gini). Ternyata penyebabnya itu, kecewa. Ternyata aku terlalu kecewa, sangat dalam, sampai tanpa sadar aku repress. Ternyata strategi coping ku denial. Lagi-lagi, ternyata ini toh yang namanya kecewa.

Hal yang jadi masalah adalah aku kecewa pada orang yang sangat aku sayang untuk sangat banyak alasan, kepada yang memberi alasan untuk aku bisa hidup dan ada, untuk orang yang menjadi role model ku. Dan ini sangat menyakitkan. Sangat. Menyakitkan. Aku merasa kehilangan pegangan. Someone who I look up to. Dan sebagaimanapun parahnya aku dibuat kecewa, toh aku ngga bisa apa-apa. Aku ngga akan pernah bisa menjauh.

Keadaan ngga akan bisa sama lagi seperti 5 tahun lalu, misalnya, saat aku dengan bebas bisa bercerita banyak hal padanya dan dia mendengarkanku dengan penuh perhatian. Aku berubah, dia berubah, dan itu pasti. Bagaimana dia merespon perubahanku lah yang membuat aku sangat kecewa. Ternyata dia tidak rela aku berubah, tanpa menyadari bahwa dia telah berubah lebih dulu, drastis, dan hampir tak kukenali. Itulah kenapa, menjadi dewasa itu tidak sepenuhnya enak. Aku tidak bisa memandangnya sesempurna aku memandangnya beberapa tahun yang lalu. Naive memang, tapi aku merasa tidak nyaman dengan hubunganku dengannya sekarang. Canggung, ada jarak, banyak berkata kasar, marah-marah.

Sekali lagi, ini toh yang namanya kecewa?

Offline, 28042011 20:32

Anak

Setiap anak ada perkembangannya masing-masing.
Kadang dia bisa terlihat jauh lebih dewasa dibandingkan usianya.
Kadang kala dia bisa terlihat jauh lebih kekanakan dari usianya yang sekarang.
Setiap anak ada kematangan masing-masing.
Kadang ia bisa tampak yakin atas sesuatu yang dilakukannya.
Kadang keyakinan itu goyah seiring pertambahan usianya.
Setiap anak ada perasaannya masing-masing.
Kadang ia merasa begitu dicintai oleh banyak orang.
Kadang ia merasa ditolak dan dijauhi.
Setiap anak memiliki masanya masing-masing.
Jangan pernah menilai seorang anak dari apa yang dia lakukan sekarang.
Karena seperti banyak orang, diapun masih mencoba, mencari, dan mengenali siapa dirinya.
Tidak akan ada orang yang bisa meramalkan dengan pasti apa yang akan terjadi pada anak tersebut esok berdasarkan tingkah laku yang ditunjukkannya sekarang.
Karena dia bagaikan roda, kadang diatas kadang dibawah.
Kadang merasa begitu spesial kadang biasa saja.
Kadang yakin kadang tidak.
Kadang merasa sangat bersemangat, terkadang merasa sangat lelah.
Kadang merasa banyak teman, kadang tidak.
Karena dia masih mencari, mencoba, mengenali.
Dan itu sesuatu yang normal terjadi
Dan itu semua adalah proses sang anak untuk mencapai kedewasaan.
Untuk mencapai kematangan hidupnya.
Agar apa yang akan terjadi di masa depan, tidak akan disesalinya.
Tidak ada kata-kata 'Andaikan'.
Karena dia telah mampu untuk menjadi dirinya sendiri,
karena dia telah mampu untuk melihat ke masa lalu dan menerima proses hidupnya apa adanya.
Karena dia berlaku berdasarkan kata hatinya...

"Jangan pernah membenci orang lain dan menyalahkan Tuhan karena orang lain bisa mendapatkan apa yang tidak bisa kita dapatkan."